John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize