Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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