Moan for me like Helen Keller
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
