i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
