this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
