Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
