dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
