sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
