If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
