So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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