i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
