She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
please come you make the beer taste better
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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