This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
