I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
