Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
