You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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