For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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