State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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