Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I faked an abortion last night.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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