And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
