I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
