This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
