Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
