Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
