I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
