Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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