i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Success! We fucked roommates!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
