no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You are a genius and a whore.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
