You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
