omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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