i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
