No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
