i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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