Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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