I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't deserve a penis
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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