I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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