I heard we made out
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
