i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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