Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
