btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
