Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Randomize
