My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
