my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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