is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
