come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
