Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
