did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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