I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
