He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
