We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
