During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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