so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize