My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
