I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
