You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
