Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
