I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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