Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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