My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
